It’s time to hit refresh and move on.
This blog has been a great place for me to share my feelings, but without actual intention, it’s become a place that reminds me of uncomfortable misery.
So I’ve starting over and starting something new.
It’s where you’ll find the new me – rejuvenated, refreshed, and looking forward to the future.
Bookmark it, follow me, or check often!
Love,
- J. xo
I miss him. I just miss him.
… if only it was that simple.
Instead, it’s slightly complicated. Because, I’m not supposed to miss him; he shouldn’t be someone that I miss.
I think it’s because I never thought he’d be someone that I would miss. He used to be just another person, another face in the world, and another familiar name that I knew; that was it. Then all of the sudden, he came into my life on a whim and stole a piece of my heart when I wasn’t paying enough attention to protect it. Before I knew it, I cared about him and wanted to keep him around. He was someone I couldn’t wait to spend more time with and who I wanted to share most things with.
He was a ‘stranger’, turned… friend. In the end, he’s someone I’m really happy to be able to connect with. Maybe it’s not what I hoped for, but I guess I can’t really be upset when a year ago, I could have never expected to share this situation with him at all.
But, I still miss him. Even though, I never thought I’d ever miss him at all.
No. The answer is no, I’m not okay.
I pretend like I am. I make it seem like I am. I smile, I laugh, and I put on this happy face.
Inside, behind the calm demeanor I present, I’m a mess. I’m livid and constantly infuriated with pain. I’m frustrated my a constant roller-coaster of emotions. I’m wearing myself thin trying to keep busy to block out the hurtful memories while my heart can barely hold itself together.
My eyes are all out of tears, my heart is empty. I’m broken.
I know. I know it won’t stay this way. I know, one day it will be different. I just want that one day, to be today. Right now. Because no, I’m not okay. Not now, not tomorrow. And probably not for a while.
But one day, when I’m ready – when my heart, my soul, my self is ready – I will be… okay.
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake.
12. A bubble bath.
13. A good giggle.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
24. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
25. Your first kiss.
26. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
27. Playing with a new puppy.
28. Having someone play with your hair.
29. Sweet dreams.
30. Hot chocolate.
31. Road trips with friends.
32. Swinging on swings.
33. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
34. Making chocolate chip cookies.
35. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
36. Holding hands with someone you care about.
37. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
38. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
39. Watching the sunrise.
40. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
41. Knowing that somebody misses you.
42. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
43. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
— stolen words from a forwarded email*
I may have never written this post, but when he* specifically requested that I don’t write ‘about’ him – well, then I had to.
Because you don’t disrespect the shit out of me and then ask for favours. That is not how it works. And while I originally thought this might be the less mature route to handle this situation, it’s my only way to vent and release my anger, without actually being able to spit the words right into his face.
The reality is that he’ll never read this, probably. He’s too busy on the golf course, watching the sports channel, and caught up in work like he always was during our relationship and so-called friendship. Or, he’s probably just ignorant to it all, while trying to maintain his shitty new found persona and avoid the tide of unfortunate karma he deserves for his poor, hurtful decisions.
The fact that he felt any right to make that simple request infuriates me. Who does he think he is that he can just use me, abuse my soul and spirit, and leave me to hang dry – then make selfish requests pertaining to MY personal work?
He may not have had the balls to properly handle the garbage situation we unfortunately found ourselves tangled in, but he sure had the un-wavered confidence to ask for unreasonable favours. (His continuing selfishness is proven with his obvious order of priorities…)
I’ve hardly personalized any post to a specific person and if so, I’ve never used their name. Obvious references only come with obvious hints or prior knowledge of the topic. Him even asking to stay out of it was pointless. I’m guessing it was just another way for him to fuel his ego or keep the upper hand in the matter. Typical.
And so, because of his silly request – I dedicate this useless post to him. There’s no point to it, except to throw his plea back in his face and say “Screw you. I write about what I want.”
So there.
No one likes mistakes.
Sometimes mistakes just happen, because they can. Try as we may to prevent them, sometimes we don’t realize when there’s a mistake to be made. Perhaps what we see as a mistake, isn’t one at all.
I think I’m making this more complicated than it has to be, because now that I think about it – perhaps nothing is a mistake. They do say that everything happens for a reason right. It has something to do with that little thing called “fate”?
Someone recently classified me as a ‘mistake’ and they claimed that I was a part of several recent ‘mistakes’ made. Let me be the first one to tell you, that no one should ever be told they were a ‘mistake’. For lack of better words, it’s rude. Anyways, in my miserable aftermath – I decided to delete this person from my life. As it stands, they’re dead to me. As they should be for labelling me as an ‘error’.
Every physical memory I had of that person is gone. Pictures and words – all of it has disappeared into the abyss. Some computer genius may have the secret to finding them in the lost world of technology, but for all I care – they can stay there. Getting rid of the pieces that reminded me of someone, who used to mean so much to me, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. To exile someone from existence is a powerful feeling, but not one that necessarily feels good.
But what’s a memory worth if it only breaks your heart? If it doesn’t make you smile or give you butterflies, if it doesn’t give you a reason to think positively, what’s the point of keeping it around. Someone who associates me with the idea of being a mistake doesn’t deserve my time; I was obviously a waste of theirs, so … it only makes sense right?
Mistakes aren’t always a bad thing, but the only mistakes worth making are ones with a valuable lesson to learn. Memories are hardly replaceable, but they aren’t worth keeping if they only cause you pain.
That’s the truth.
Change. It’s weird and unnerving. In complete honesty, I hate it.
Imperfect in every way or somewhat satisfactory, I find comfort in knowing that whatever my current situation is – I understand it and have a grasp on it. I can easier predict the future and plan ahead.
But when everything changes, I’m lost. I’m stuck in this unknown state of vulnerability. What happens from this point forward is out of my hands. Without any control, I’m frustratingly helpless.
That’s just me, looking at the whole situation as a glass half empty situation. I find all the negatives and all the reasons to say “I can’t do this. Please let me give up”. It always comes first before someone grabs me, shakes me and makes me realize the silver lining to life’s blind sight swipes.
With a recent series of unfortunate events came an even more unfortunate finale. I won’t get into it, but I will tell you that it ripped my soul apart and beat the shit out of my already fragile heart. All I wanted to do was cry about it and fight the unknown future. I definitely cried about it ; I called everyone who would listen and shared my misery. I sobbed, I caused destruction on myself, and I almost gave up. Almost. Because – that would be the easy way out. Stocking up on cookie-dough ice cream and tequila, surrounding myself with Kleenex and indulging in endless rom-coms and sitcom re-runs doesn’t require much effort. It’s the good life – if you want to be lonely and unloved forever.
I’m lucky enough to have people in my life who see myself in the way I don’t. When I think I’m a disgusting mess, they tell me why I’m beautiful. When I think I’m worthless, they remind me that I have more potential than I can handle. And when I feel like I have nothing to live for, they push me to discover all the great things that I have within reach. I called every single one of these people I knew, begging and pleading with them to remind me of my worth. Several phone calls with the best of my friends, one phone call with a random new friend, and one email from the person I love the most in the world – I don’t want to give up anymore.
I’m not perfect and I’m not in a perfect state. And let’s just be honest – I probably never will be. (those people who know me best will agree with me 100-million percent on this).
But I woke up this morning and realized that life is way too good to let it waste away on my couch with a plate of nachos and a DQ blizzard. Someone told me today that I’m the strongest person they know – and that’s enough of a big compliment to inspire me to get up, shake it off and move forward.
She told that this is the perfect time to be me, love me and enjoy life. She’s right, and so I’ve decided to get up of my sorry, sad butt and do something to change – for the better.
This is my time and not a single soul is going to rob me of that. I’m better than a bad day and rough week, and I’m better than anyone who’s going to cause me constant grief.
“Cheers to fresh starts and new beginnings”. It’s time for change. And it’s time to move forward.
