Change. It’s weird and unnerving. In complete honesty, I hate it.
Imperfect in every way or somewhat satisfactory, I find comfort in knowing that whatever my current situation is – I understand it and have a grasp on it. I can easier predict the future and plan ahead.
But when everything changes, I’m lost. I’m stuck in this unknown state of vulnerability. What happens from this point forward is out of my hands. Without any control, I’m frustratingly helpless.
That’s just me, looking at the whole situation as a glass half empty situation. I find all the negatives and all the reasons to say “I can’t do this. Please let me give up”. It always comes first before someone grabs me, shakes me and makes me realize the silver lining to life’s blind sight swipes.
With a recent series of unfortunate events came an even more unfortunate finale. I won’t get into it, but I will tell you that it ripped my soul apart and beat the
shit out of my already fragile heart. All I wanted to do was cry about it and fight the unknown future. I definitely cried about it ; I called everyone who would listen and shared my misery. I sobbed, I caused destruction on myself, and I almost gave up. Almost. Because – that would be the easy way out. Stocking up on cookie-dough ice cream and tequila, surrounding myself with Kleenex and indulging in endless rom-coms and sitcom re-runs doesn’t require much effort. It’s the good life – if you want to be lonely and unloved forever.
I’m lucky enough to have people in my life who see myself in the way I don’t. When I think I’m a disgusting mess, they tell me why I’m beautiful. When I think I’m worthless, they remind me that I have more potential than I can handle. And when I feel like I have nothing to live for, they push me to discover all the great things that I have within reach. I called every single one of these people I knew, begging and pleading with them to remind me of my worth. Several phone calls with the best of my friends, one phone call with a random new friend, and one email from the person I love the most in the world – I don’t want to give up anymore.
I’m not perfect and I’m not in a perfect state. And let’s just be honest – I probably never will be. (those people who know me best will agree with me 100-million percent on this).
But I woke up this morning and realized that life is way too good to let it waste away on my couch with a plate of nachos and a DQ blizzard. Someone told me today that I’m the strongest person they know – and that’s enough of a big compliment to inspire me to get up, shake it off and move forward.
She told that this is the perfect time to be me, love me and enjoy life. She’s right, and so I’ve decided to get up of my sorry, sad butt and do something to change – for the better.
This is my time and not a single soul is going to rob me of that. I’m better than a bad day and rough week, and I’m better than anyone who’s going to cause me constant grief.
“Cheers to fresh starts and new beginnings”. It’s time for change. And it’s time to move forward.